


Find His Way Back

by gestaltrose



Series: AU Ackles Foster Jared [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-21
Updated: 2011-02-21
Packaged: 2017-10-15 20:18:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/164579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gestaltrose/pseuds/gestaltrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared is lost.  He is still trying to heal and work out what he is going to with his life when it all come crashing down around his ears.  The Ackles are wonderful and Jared doesn’t want to let them down. However, since most of his life he’s disappointed people he really wonders if he has a chance.  Jensen wants to help Jared find his way back before he’s lost forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Find His Way Back

Three months before graduation and Jared was in trouble, again. He had been staying with the Ackles as their foster kid since the previous summer and he had come to the conclusion that Alan, Donna, Jensen and Mac were pretty cool. They were laid back but they had rules, and everyone who lived at the house had to follow them--even Jensen who was now twenty-one.

It had taken Jared a while to figure out why Jensen hadn’t moved out of the house. First he was taking classes at the local college, studying to become a veterinarian. Second his older brother Josh was getting some kind of advanced business degree at a college across state so Jensen wanted to stay close to home. He also had no job other than the work that he did around the ranch. They all worked as a team and Jared suspected that Josh and his business classes and Jensen and his vet classes were all for the same reason, so they could help their folks run the ranch better.

The ranch had been a surprise for Jared, he could admit that now. Donna and Alan and their family had been an even bigger surprise.

Then things went south in the worst kind of way. Mac, Mackenzie had been sneaking out to meet her friends. Jared knew how much good friends meant, now that he finally had some, so he had covered for her. They had both been caught. After Mac was brought home by the police from a night out drinking, Jared sat on his bed once again convinced that the Ackles were going to send him on his way.

Even after eight months with them Jared had spent years in the foster care system and he had been kicked to the curb for much less before. Rubbing his sweaty palms together and then wiping them on his pants, Jared looked up as his door opened. Alan Ackles. There was no Jensen this time to him everything was going to be fine. Jared figured he had probably ruined that too.

Following Alan to the living room, Jared passed Mackenzie who was sobbing and not looking at him. It made what was left of his hope that he could stay just dribble out of the bottom of his stomach. Alan sat on a chair next to Donna and Jared sat on the couch across from them. This was where he had started with the Ackles, scared and uncertain. That time Jared had no hope, he knew the routine of how foster kids were treated by their host families. But the Ackles had turned out to be different. It had taken months of them treating him just like one of the family for him to believe that they were real and not just faking it.

This time, though, he had screwed up. Jared looked at his shoes because he didn’t want to see the looks he was sure were on the Ackles’ faces.

“Son, I’d like it if you explained yourself,” Alan said quietly.

“I…”Jared hesitated uncertain what exactly they wanted from him.

Donna seemed to sense his confusion. “What happened that you kept this secret?”

“She asked me to,” Jared said plainly.

“And the reason you didn’t tell us is…?” Alan leaned forward, closer to Jared.

“It was a secret. She said…” Jared stopped himself from talking, he didn’t want to get Mac into more trouble.

“She said what Jared?” Donna asked.

“It was what family did. I know I’m not family and I shouldn’t have tried to be but don’t be mad at Mac; she was just being a kid,” Jared blurted out. He caught Alan exchanging a look with Donna and his heart dropped. He was going to have to leave, leave this, leave Jensen. “I’m sorry,” he said almost crying.

“Jared you are family. It wasn’t right for Mackenzie to ask you that. Mac is in trouble for what she did and we just want to talk to you about what you did. Lying in this situation could have been disastrous, Jared. A whole lot of really bad things could happen to a girl, and you know it.” Alan’s voice was calm and quiet.

“But she told me she was only with her friends, she promised. I asked, I know I did,” Jared said trying to let the Ackles know that he had tried to look out for her.

“There are a ton of what-ifs I could bring up right now but I’m not going to. I want you to go to your room and when you come back give me a list of ten things that could have gone wrong for Mac and her friends,” Alan said and Jared looked between him and Donna in disbelief.

“You aren’t going to send me away?” Jared asked quietly.

Donna sighed, reaching out she put her hand on top of Jared’s. “Family, Jared. We never give up on family. On day you will believe me when I tell you.”

Jared just looked down, he didn’t deserve to be here. He certainly didn’t deserve to be loved by these wonderful people. Jared was so scared he was just going to let the Ackles down. Surprised at himself about how much he wanted these people’s approval, Jared sat back.

“Go on, have the list done by dinner time.” Donna gave Jared’s hand one last squeeze before she let him get up. He was uncertain what to say so when Donna shooed him, he left.

Jared had his list done fifteen minutes after getting to his room. He easily could have come up with more things, rereading over the list he wondered if he should change some things. Finally he just gave up and put the list on the table beside the bed. Laying down he closed his eyes for just a moment and woke up to Jensen pounding on his door.

Getting up, Jared rubbed at his eyes as he opened the door. Jensen’s face was a storm cloud of anger. He pushed into Jared’s room and Jared backed up a bit, still uncomfortable dealing with anyone’s anger.

“I just heard, Jared.”

Jared flinched as Jensen said his name. It had never sounded like that before. Alan and Donna might not be upset with him but Jensen obviously was. “I…”

“I don’t want to hear what you have to say. You of all people know _know_ what can happen to someone vulnerable and yet you hid where Mac was going.”

Jared curled in on himself with every word, it was almost as if Jensen was whipping him.

“I…” Jared tried again, holding back his tears.

“If you want to think you’re a part of this family, fine, but as far as I’m concerned you just fucked up. Don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, don’t even breathe in my direction. She could have been…” Jensen cut his words off with a snap of his teeth his jaw working under his skin.

“Jen,” Jared said, struggling for breath. He knew how important family was to Jensen but apparently he had just fucked up the only decent relationship he had ever had. “I’m sorry,” Jared said to the floor after Jensen had given him a look of disgust and walked out.

He didn’t know what to do. He had let everyone down, again. He had almost gotten Mac…she could have been raped, killed. She’d been drinking for god’s sake. Pacing his room, he sat on the bed before getting up to pace some more. He didn’t want to run because the last time he’d run, he’d almost killed Jensen and he’d succeeded in killing Rose’s Dream. Jared choked back a sob.

He didn’t want to hurt. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in the Ackles’ faces when they finally realize that Jensen was right. He wasn’t worth it. Getting frantic the later in the afternoon it got, he didn’t know what to do, just wanting to stop the pain. Jared went into the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. It was as if he didn’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore. Walking back in his room Jared resumed pacing and now he was talking out loud, trying to work out something anything that could make things better, that could make them right.

He bumped into one of the display cases in his room and a cup tipped over. Jared stopped and set the glass upright noting that it was an antique shaving mug with brush and…Jared picked up the straight razor, looking at the mother of pearl handle before flipping it open. The blade looked new and sharp. Jared could never say later if it was a conscious decision or not; one second he was looking at the blade and the next he had cut a line down the length of his arm, watching the blood welling up and then slowly gathering before it started to run down his arm.

Feeling peace roll over him he took the blade with his other hand and ran it down his other arm, hissing as the blade bit deep in his skin. Maybe now he could do something right. Grasping the blade in his right hand he cut his left arm again, pushing harder. He bit his tongue to hold back a whimper as the blood started to run quickly down both of his arms now.

Looking down he realized he was making a mess on the carpet. He got up, swaying a little as his stomach churned. Feeling a little light headed it took him a moment to remember what he was going to do. Towel that’s right. Staggering to the bathroom Jared put his hand on the wall before he ran into it. Not even seeing the bloody handprint he left behind, he grabbed some towels and then staggered back out to the bedroom. Tossing the towels down where he had bled on the floor. Jared decided it would be best if he just laid down on them.

This had to be better than ever facing Jensen again. That’s right, Jensen hated him. Good thing too, Jared was nothing but trouble. Look at how he’d almost got Jensen killed and how he’d let down Megan no not Megan, Mackenzie. Jared felt the tears well up in his eyes and run hot trails across his cheeks before falling to the floor. He was tired, tired of working so hard and getting nowhere. Tired of hurting people he loved. Just tired.

Jared zoned for a while watching the blood from the cuts on his arms flow down. He wondered at the lack of pain he felt, everything was just numb. Somewhere his mind was still clicking over because he noted that he seemed to have missed any major veins or arteries. There was some venal blood, he could tell where it is darker but there didn’t seem to be a constant deep purple flow out of his wounds. No arterial blood at all, at least not that he could see.

He was there just staring at his arms not thinking about anything when there was a quiet knock on his door. “Jared?” he heard Jensen’s voice. Jared heard the sound of the door opening but the way he was laying he couldn’t see the door. “Look, I was out of line,” Jensen said as he walked into the dark room.

 _I think you were right on the money,_ Jared thought. He just wanted Jensen to go away. He could feel his heart beating harder in his chest, he knew it wouldn’t be long until he just passed out. _Go away_ he willed Jensen. However, Jensen seemed to have other ideas.

“Jared?” he said again when Jared didn’t answer. Closing his eyes just before Jensen turned on the light, he heard Jensen yell and yell some more but it was like it was coming from far away. He felt himself turned and managed to crack his eyes open to look at Jensen who was staring down at him in horror. Jared whimpered in the back of his throat, not understanding what made Jensen look like that.

“Mom! Dad!” Jensen yelled in his face and Jared struggled to understand what was going on. He was tired and he didn’t want to hurt anymore. “Jared.” Jensen was holding his arms and it hurt, he tried to get up, pull out of Jensen’s grasp but he was too tired and too weak. Always too weak, he stopped struggling as Donna and Alan came into his room.

“Call an ambulance,” Jared heard Alan say as the darkness closed in around him. Deep inside he hoped that he would never wake up again.

Jared woke up slowly, almost in pieces it felt like. First he could feel the stiff sheets under his fingers, then he could hear the steady beep beep beep of someone’s heart on a monitor, he wondered whose. Next he tried to open his eyes, they felt gritty and sore. Finally he cracked them open and shut them again because the light was so bright. Jared must have fallen back asleep because when he opened his eyes again there was a dim light behind him and light pouring in the open door but his room was dark.

“Hey honey.” A nurse was messing with some machines near his head. “It’s good to see you wake up.” She smiled and leaned over him. “Your family has been here a lot, especially your brother. He’s sleeping in the waiting room.”

“Why…” Jared tried to ask, but instead he just croaked. The nurse got him a drink of water. After his mouth and throat were wetted he tried again. “Why am I here?” Jared didn’t remember, had he been in an accident? He tried thinking back but he couldn’t remember. The last thing he remembered was Mac laughing and pulling him into her room, telling him she had to ask him a favor. Had she asked? He couldn’t remember.

“You tried to kill yourself.” The nurse didn’t sugar coat it, that was for sure.

Jared’s head swung up and he looked at her, disbelief on his face. He wouldn’t…he hadn’t…he wouldn’t. She took his hands and turned his palms up. There were bandages covering his entire forearms. Feeling his breath come out of him in a rush, he wanted to collapse in on himself. The nurse took his blood pressure and stuck a thermometer under his tongue. “Did you want me to get your brother?”

Jeff was here? Did Jared want to see him? No, he definitely remembered about Jeff. Shaking his head no before he took another drink of his water. What the hell had he been so upset about that he tried to kill himself. Was it Jeff? Had he moved in with his brother? Had the Ackles kicked him out? He had so many questions but no one to ask.

“Your doctor will be in around eight. If you can’t sleep, you can watch TV.” She pointed to the button on the arm of the bed. Jared pushed a button and felt pain shoot up his arm. “Oh, you are going to have to be careful,” the nurse said unhelpfully late but Jared just nodded.

“Thank you,” he said still racking his brain about what had happened. He remembered the Ackles. They’d been good to him, too good. What about Jensen? He loved him and Jared thought that Jensen loved him.

After an hour he gave up and just flipped through the channels after finding a way to push the button that didn’t hurt that much.

A tall man with a beard walked in his room. “Hi,” he said holding his hand out.

Jared reached out reluctantly. “Hello.”

“I’m Jeff Morgan. I’m your doctor. It’s good to have you awake. Can I check your bandages?” He asked permission, not treating Jared like other doctors had, like he was little more than an idiot with a body. Jared held his arms out.

Dr. Morgan was gentle with him. He gasped when he saw the long wounds on his arms. “Do you remember doing this?” Dr. Morgan asked Jared.

“No. I don’t.”

“Fair enough,” Dr. Morgan said putting a new bandage on each arm. “Do you feel like harming yourself right now?”

Jared shook his head. “No… I can’t believe…What?”

“Well, obviously something,” the doctor said somehow figuring out what Jared was saying. “Trauma does this to memories sometimes, don’t try to push it. Maybe your brother knows something?” Dr. Morgan nodded at the door.

It wasn’t Jeff it was Jensen who stood there looking distraught. Jared smiled at him feeling tension leave his body. _Jensen was here._

Dr. Morgan asked Jared a couple of questions about where he was, what year it was, who the fucking president of the US was. He guessed about where but since he’d seen Jensen he figured Dallas. Saying he’d be back later, Jeff shut the door behind him, leaving Jensen and Jared staring at each other.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen said.

At the same time Jared said, “Listen Jensen.” They both stopped and waited for the other one to continue.

“I…”

“What…”

Jared laughed a little and told Jensen to go ahead.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen said again.

Jared picked at his bandages, not looking at Jensen. “Why?” he finally asked.

“It’s my fault…”

“Did you do this?” Jared held his arms out to Jensen. “No, you didn’t. Unless we were playing some kind of kinky game that got carried away?” Jared half joked because he didn’t remember.

Jensen looked kind of shocked that Jared would joke about it. “No, I…we…I was angry. You scared me and I overreacted, said things I didn’t mean. Don’t you…don’t you remember?”

“No,” Jared said plainly at Jensen’s look of disbelief Jared tried to convince him. “Really the last thing I remember is coming home from school and Mac pulled me into her room saying something about a secret.” Jared’s eyes widened. “Did something happen to Mac? Was it my fault?”

The look on Jensen’s face told him he was close with his guess and Jared buried his head in his hands he could feel his stitches pulling underneath the bandages. Jensen stepped closer and ran a hand down the back of Jared’s head. “Mac’s fine,” Jensen said. “She got brought home by the cops, she’d been drinking. It scared me thinking about all the stuff that happened to you and what might have happened to her.” He held his hand up as Jared lifted his head to say something. “I overreacted, said some very nasty things to you. Things that you apparently took to heart,” he said running his fingers lightly over Jared’s bandages.

“Why were you mad at me?”

“Because, you knew she was out partying with her friends and didn’t tell anyone,” Jensen said.

Jared tried to imagine the scenario where he knew that Mac would be drinking but he wouldn’t tell. His confusion must have been plain to Jensen. “She asked you to keep it a secret and you did. She told me that she said it was what family did, knowing how you feel about wanting to belong. Of course she told me after I had ripped you a new one. I came back to apologize and I found you.”

Jensen put a shaking hand to Jared’s face and then ran it through his hair, as if reassuring himself that Jared was still there. “There was so much blood. I was sure you were dead. If you ever do anything like that again, I will kill you myself.” Jensen forced a laugh and Jared gave him a smile.

“I won’t,” Jared told him.

“Good,” Donna said from the door. Walking into the room she sat down in a chair that was beside his bed. “God I hate hospitals,” she said, pulling at Jared’s sheet, trying to straighten it.

“Donna I…” Jared started to say and Donna held her hand up.

“Jared please. Stop. You sound like you’re going to apologize or something, but there’s enough blame to be spread around. I don’t want you feeling guilty.” She put her hand on the back of his, her fingers wrapping around his. “We talked with your counselor and with Dr. Morgan, it isn’t going to be easy, you might need some medication, but you, we,” she said softly and then a little more forcefully, “We can get through this. We love you, all of us. Josh was here last night for a while but he needed to get back to school today. And no you are not a bother, you are family.” The last she said very forcefully.

They talked quietly for a while, Jared making sure that everyone else was okay.

Dr. Morgan came back after lunch. “I see you found your family,” he said with a smile.

Had he? Jared still wasn’t sure. But he could honestly say he wasn’t planning on trying to kill himself. He kind of wished he remembered what had happened and he was kind of happy he didn’t.

“Jared seems to have a case of situational amnesia. The stress to his system was so much that it affected the processing of his memory. While it is possible that the memories might come back, every written study of this kind of amnesia has been permanent and irreversible. I’m sorry Jared,” Dr. Morgan said.

Jared actually sighed with relief. “I’d rather not remember if it’s okay with you,” he said.

“Does he have an appointment to see someone?”

Donna nodded. “His counselor, she said she could see him tomorrow. If he can leave?”

“He’ll need to come back in to get the stitches out. But as long as I’ve got your word,” he spoke to Jared, “that you will not do this again. I think I can let him go today. There’s been no infection and I would rather he not pick one up here.” Dr. Morgan smiled, but Jared wasn’t sure if he was joking or not.

“Okay,” Jared said. “I promise.”

“Good then. Take care of yourself Jared,” Dr. Morgan said. “The nurse will be around with the release forms.”

An hour later, Jared was being wheeled to the front door of the hospital where Alan and Mac were waiting for him. Jensen took one of his arms, holding his elbow and helping him up. Mackenzie came and gave him a hug, murmuring apologies into his shirt. He rubbed her back, knowing that she needed this. Releasing him after Jensen coughed, she stepped back looking up at him teary eyed. Jared gave her a small smile and Alan, Mac, and Donna got into their car. Jared was led to the pickup truck. Jensen helped him in and then went around and got into the truck.

There was an awkward silence. Jensen broke it. “Mom called your brother and talked to your sister’s adoptive parents. Jeff said a lot of things to Mom.” He cleared his throat. “And um…”

“It’s okay. I can just guess what he told her.”

“Yeah, well Mom asked me if…if we…if you…” Jensen couldn’t seem to say a complete sentence.

Jared looked over at him. “What?” He finally asked when Jensen didn’t go on. Watching as Jensen blushed he suddenly felt like he didn’t want to know.

“Having sex,” Jensen said and Jared looked at him in horror. All kinds of thoughts ran through his head about leaving and getting kicked out and about not being able to see Jensen again. Jensen looked at him and then looked at him again. “Jared?”

Racing around inside his head, Jared’s thoughts went faster and faster. Jensen reached out and taking his hand finally got Jared’s attention. “It’s okay.” He squeezed Jared’s hand. “I told her no. That yeah we liked each other but we were going slow. She wasn’t mad. Honest.”

Jared’s heartbeat gradually slowed. Looking at Jensen’s hand on his made him feel good. He wrapped his other hand around it. “She…she was okay with it?”

Jensen looked abashed. “Well, kind of. She wants me, us…if there is still an us?” Jensen asked and looked over at Jared. Nodding, Jared traced patterns on the back of Jensen’s hand. Jared could hear the smile in Jensen’s voice as he continued. “She wants us to take it slow. Wait until you graduate. She wants you to know what you want to do, without you thinking about what I want.”

Jared nodded reluctantly he could see her point. It wasn’t like they had talked about going any farther than they had. He wasn’t sure he was ready for that. Looking down he saw the bandages on his arms. He obviously wasn’t ready for much.

“You said your mom talked to Megan’s family?”

This time Jared saw Jensen smile. “She’s coming for a visit next week. Mom worked it all out. She loves you.”

Jared wasn’t sure if Jensen was talking about his mom or Megan so he just nodded. “What if she…” Jared couldn’t finish the sentence.

“She won’t,” Jensen understood his misgivings. “You could hear her yelling in the background after they had decided when she could come. She’s excited.”

“Even though?” Jared said and ran a finger across one of the bandages.

“We all wish she was coming for a different reason, but she’s excited to see you.”

Jared nodded sitting back in the truck. It was almost as if he was in some kind of alternate reality, he felt…he felt…odd. Slightly disjointed, he guessed. It was as if Jensen’s hand was the only thing grounding him here. Unconsciously Jared tightened his hand on Jensen’s. “I’m sorry,” Jared said into the silence that surrounded them.

Jensen started to say something but Jared put his finger on Jensen’s lip. “I’m sorry.” Jared put all of his feelings into the words. Jensen nodded.

“If you’ve got a problem, you talk, okay? To me, to Mom, Dad, your therapist, I don’t care who, just never…I thought…” Jensen’s eyes filled with tears and Jared touched the back of his neck, rubbing with his fingers along the short hair that was there. “I wanted to say I was sorry and then I thought I was too late. There was so much blood.”

“I promise,” Jared said. “Talk, no actions. I don’t remember why it happened but I am sorry I hurt you,” Jared said still rubbing the back of Jensen’s neck.

They pulled up in front of the house and Jensen came around to help him out. Leaning on Jensen, Jared tried to not feel bad about how weak he was. Just outside the door, Jensen stopped him. Jared was panting a little and they stood, looking at one another. Jensen closed the gap between them and kissed him.

It was soft and demanding at the same time. Jared opened his mouth and let his tongue touch Jensen’s. Jensen tilted his head and they moved closer, coming apart and back together. Jared’s hand was in Jensen’s hair and Jensen’s hand was on Jared’s face. Jared moaned, his feelings coming over him in a rush. Backing off, Jensen gave him a small smile.

“Too much?”

Jared tried to calm his now racing heart. “Maybe,” he said after a moment. Jensen gave him a hug and then opened the door. Donna was at the sink doing dishes, Alan was sitting at the table with papers spread in front of him, Mackenzie was sitting at the table doing homework. They all smiled at him and Jared knew that they were trying their best to act normal and he appreciated it.

“I think I need a nap before dinner,” Jared said suddenly feeling exhausted. There was a flash of something across Donna’s face and Jared felt like shit. She covered it immediately and smiled at him. “Okay,” she said.

Jensen helped Jared down the hall to his room. “Mom cleaned up, replaced the carpet. It was hard on her, it’s been hard on all of us, we almost lost you.” Jensen said pushing the door open. Jared was suddenly filled with fear, what if he walked in and remembered what had happened. Standing in the doorway Jared watched as Jensen walked in.

No overwhelming memories attacked him as he stepped into the room. He could smell the new carpet, he looked down and saw it was a multi colored thing. Mostly tan with black, red, blue, and he wasn’t even sure why he was categorizing it, something to do that didn’t include looking at Jensen probably.

Looking up at Jensen, Jared wanted to ask him to stay, to not leave him alone. Jensen again seemed to read his mind because he sat on Jared’s bed patting the spot next to him. Jared flopped down, leaning against Jensen, their legs pressed up against each other. Jensen’s arm came around his shoulder and Jared turned and buried his nose against Jensen’s neck. Pulling him down, they lay next to each other with Jensen at Jared’s back his arms wrapped around Jared. Slowly Jared relaxed and fell asleep.

Three days later, and feeling much better about everything, Jared went off to school. He had talked with Cindy about everything he remembered, what he’d forgotten, what Jensen and the Ackles had told him about what had happened. She had led him down different paths, role playing she called it, trying to see if she could get any kind of memory kick. Nothing worked, he still didn’t understand how he could have thought it was the right thing to do.

Cindy told him that he hadn’t been rational. He had been hurting and trying to stop the pain. She asked him to work out other ways of dealing with pain, mental or physical. Yet another list, he’d complained and she had laughed.

What he didn’t count on was the whole school knowing what had happened to him. Apparently the teachers had given the students a talk about how ‘fragile’ and ‘hurt’ he was. Great. He sighed as he picked up his books for the fifth time. Everyone in the school who’d been ignoring him was suddenly giving him lots of attention.

The tenth time he was called a fag, he pushed the boy. The varsity basketball player wasn’t going to take any shit from a scrawny thing like him, tall or not and Jared had managed to get out of it with just a black eye and, he tongued one of his molars testing it to see if it was loose, maybe a loose tooth and a fat lip. They had managed to avoid the attention of teachers, so at least there was not the humiliation of having them know what had happened to him.

Jensen picked him up, seeing his swelling eye and the cut on his swollen lip. “Teachers, got to love ‘em,” Jared said sarcastically. Jensen looked shocked.

“A teacher hit you?”

“What?” Jared looked over at him. “No.” He touched the swelling around his eye. “Might as well have, though.” Jensen didn’t start the truck, sitting there obviously waiting for some more, something else. “They announced to the school what I’d done and how hurt I am,” Jared spat out obviously more angry about it than he had thought.

“Fuck,” Jensen said. “Stupid.”

“Yeah, that’s me in a nutshell,” Jared said.

“Not you,” Jensen said and Jared smiled or tried to. “Jerk,” Jensen said when he realized that Jared had been joking with him. Starting the truck they pulled out of the parking lot and Jared heard someone yell about Padalecki and his boyfriend. Jensen shot Jared a look as Jared tensed.

They talked about what had happened and what exactly they were going to tell Donna. Jared figured the truth or at least a version of the truth would work. He didn’t need Donna going down and reading them the riot act. Jensen agreed.

The story must have been good enough because while Donna was upset she seemed willing to let it go as long as the other boy had been punished. Megan was coming in that evening. It was her spring break. Their district wasn’t out for another week. Mac seemed to be even more on edge than Jared was and when he heard a car on the gravel outside he stood up wiping his hands on his pants. Looking at him and then at the door, Mac stomped off to her room.

Jared exchanged a confused look with Jensen who shrugged. They walked out to the porch and Jared watched as Megan got out of the car. She was taller and her hair was longer, she looked…happy. Jared started to think that this was a bad idea. Megan looked around and Jared tried to take a step backwards but Jensen was there. “Come on,” Jensen gave Jared a small shove.

Trying to glare Jensen and not glare at anyone else Jared finally gave up the attempt. He turned and found he was face to face, actually more like nose to forehead, with Megan. She wrapped her arms around him. “I remember, Jared.”

He felt tears gather in his eyes. “Missed you, Meggie,” he said.

She looked up at him, smile broad on her face. “You are the only one who has ever even tried to call me that. I missed it. Come here, meet my um…family,” she stumbled over the word as if she was embarrassed to say it.

“That’s good then you can meet mine,” he shoved her a little with his shoulder and she smiled up at him.

Jared vaguely remembered them, more for the fact that they had separated him and Megan than anything else. “Looking good, Jared,” Mr. Connelly said.

“Thank you sir,” Jared said uncomfortably aware of the bandages under his shirt sleeves. Shifting his weight back and forth he swayed slightly and Jensen was there, hand on his back. “Mr. Connelly, this is Jensen Ackles. Jensen this is Megan’s adoptive father.”

“Robert, please both of you,” Robert Connelly held his hand out to Jensen. After shaking it, Robert asked if he could talk to Jared for a moment. Jensen joined his parents greeting Mrs. Connelly. “Brandy and I,” Robert nodded at his wife. “Well, we wanted to say that we’re sorry we couldn’t adopt you too. We never told you but we did try. There was so much red tape with Megan that yours seemed insurmountable. I mean we’ve got some means but we aren’t rich. We just didn’t have the resources and I, we, wanted to apologize.” He was really uncomfortable.

Jared could’ve told him about all the abuse he suffered after he had left their house. How devastated he’d been to have to leave Megan behind. But he didn’t. He shook Robert’s hand and then led him over to Donna and Alan. When they had worked out when Megan was going to go home, the Connellys hugged her and Jared ended up being hugged by Brandy Connelly, she whispered apologies into his ear. He hugged her back and told her he was good now, it was okay. She let him go her eyes suspiciously bright.

“I wish…” she said.

“I know, me too,” he told her honestly. “But I’m good now, good here.”

She blinked back her tears and looked at him as if she were searching for the truth. Finally she nodded. Turning she opened the car door getting in with a last wave at Megan. Everyone stood and watched as the Connellys drove down the gravel road.

“Well, Megan. Let’s get you in and settled then you can visit with Jared in peace,” Donna said taking one of Megan’s bag and with a look at Alan and Jensen they picked up the rest.

“Mackenzie Ackles, you open this door,” Donna yelled at Mackenzie’s door.

“Fine,” she said slamming the door open before moving back to her bed.

“What the hell has gotten into you?” Donna asked as she showed Megan where they had set up a place for her stuff. Jared and Jensen stood in the doorway, Jared feeling more and more awkward. He looked at Mackenzie who was glaring at everyone. Wondering what was wrong, Jared took a step towards her but Jensen shook his head. He’d just talk to her later.

Donna led Megan out again, handing her off to Jared and pushing them towards his room. “Go talk, I’ll figure out Mac. Jenny would you feed the horses tonight?”

“Jenny?” Megan whispered to him.

“It’s Jensen’s nickname,” Jared told her quietly and then showed her into his room.

“I like them,” Megan waved her hand towards the rest of the house. “Well, I’m not sure about Mackenzie. So,” she plopped down on the bed, “what happened?”

Jared stood, uncomfortable and uncertain how to start. He remembered Megan as a little girl not this teenager sitting on his bed. “Long story,” he said finally deciding to sit down next to her, “and a really short one too. What did you want to know?”

“Tell me about what happened after you left me,” Megan said quietly.

Jared’s first thought was, _I didn’t leave you, they made me_ , and his second one was, _no way in hell was he going to talk about everything he’d been through with her_. “I missed you, a lot.” Is what Jared finally said.

“I missed you too. You never called,” she gave him a narrowed eye look.

“I…couldn’t at first. Then I thought maybe you were better off without me. “I… _was a hooker, was a thief_ … did some bad things. I didn’t want to…?”

“What?” she asked.

“Be a bad influence, I guess,” Jared finally said.

“Okay,” she said after a long pause. “How about here? You like it?”

Jared grinned big this time. “Yeah, I do. They’re great.”

“What about Jeff, have you heard from him?”

Becoming solemn, Jared remembered just how badly Jeff had taken Jared telling him he was gay. He’d kicked Jared out and Jared had called Jensen to come and get him.

“What is it? Did he die?” Megan asked with tears in her eyes.

“No no, he’s fine. He doesn’t want to see me again. We had a fight and…” Jared stopped he couldn’t explain.

“What? Why would he want to do that?” Megan looked upset. Jared wasn’t sure if this was the time or not but he had to find out, he had to tell her.

“Because I’m gay,” Jared said.

Megan waited just looking at him. “And?” she asked.

“Nothing, that’s it,” he said.

“Stupid, stupid boys,” Megan said. Jared stood up and paced across the room. “I didn’t mean you,” she said.

“Last time I checked I was a boy,” Jared said.

“Jeff is an idiot and a jerk if he did that to you,” Megan said standing to give him a hug. “Is that why you…?”

“What?” Jared asked and then saw she was looking at the bandage that was peeking out of his shirtsleeve. “Um, no. I don’t remember why. I’d gotten in trouble for covering for Mac and somehow I decided this was better.”

Megan narrowed her eyes at him. “Mackenzie got you in trouble?”

“No, I got myself in trouble,” Jared said.

“Right.” Megan didn’t sound convinced.

“Tell me about you.” Jared tried to change the subject.

They talked until dinner time. At dinner, Jared saw Megan giving Mackenzie a calculating look and he knocked his knee into hers. Megan turned to him with a smile. It wasn’t until later that Jared realized that war had been declared at the table with no one else the wiser.

Getting home from school two days later in a horrible mood because of the crap he had to put up with, Jared just wanted to go to his room. Instead the minute he walked in the door Mackenzie was on him. “Megan glued my school books together,” she said.

He searched around in his head somewhere for some patience. Coming up with a little bit, he led her over to the couch. Sitting down he asked Mackenzie to tell him exactly what had happened. She had left some books on her desk when she went to school and only Megan and Mom had been home. Walking into her room she sat down at her desk to do homework, like usual and when she had tried to pick up a book a whole stack of them had come up.

“One of them ripped, I’m going to get in trouble.”

Jared wondered why she didn’t go to Donna with this. He asked. “Mom said she’s a guest, and your family and we need to make allowances.”

“Let me see if I can fix it,” Jared offered.

“Okay,” Mackenzie smiled at him. “Now?”

Jared thought about the homework that was in his backpack and sighed. “Sure,” he said.

Mac flashed him a grin and was gone. The back door slammed shut and Megan walked in.

“Jared! I missed you,” she spoke into his chest as she gave him a hug.

“Meggie, I missed you too,” he said as he hugged her back. “What’s up with you and Mac?”

He didn’t miss the way Megan’s eyes narrowed. “What did she say?”

“What should she have said?” Jared asked right back. “These people are as close to family as I’ve got, you can’t just treat them like crap.”

Megan looked hurt, her chin trembled and Jared watched her eyes fill with tears. “I’m your family,” she whispered.

He enfolded her in his arms. “Of course you are, it’s just the Ackles…well they’re family too. You think of the Connellys as your family, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” she admitted reluctantly. “But you haven’t even been here a year.”

“This is the first place that I would have ever called home, since Mom…” Jared stopped himself.

“Yeah well at least you got memories of them.”

“Megan, that’s enough,” Jensen said from where he stood by the kitchen table. Jared looked up surprised to see him. “I think we need to talk.”

Jared felt overwhelming relief that Jensen was going to help him out, that was followed by guilt that he felt so relieved. He didn’t look at Jensen or Megan.

“Jay,” Megan said, it almost broke him. He couldn’t even speak he just shook his head.

“Fine,” she said sharply and stood up. He didn’t look up until he heard the door slam behind her.

“I’ll straighten her out, Jared. It’ll be okay.” Jensen looked like he wanted to come to him and hold him close. Jared would have liked nothing better but they both had girls to see to.

“Mac. I know you’re there, come out,” Jared said after Jensen left.

“What a bit…” She stopped when Jared put his hand over her mouth.

“I won’t put up with that from you or her,” he said. “Let me see your books.” He held his hand out. Mackenzie put the stack of paperback books in his hand. He studied them, Megan had done a good job. Pulling a paper and pen out of his backpack he started jotting down titles. _The Outsiders, Lord of the Flies, Fahrenheit 451_ , and stuck in the middle was…he turned to make sure he was reading it correctly, _Love’s Labor Lost_.

“I’ll get Jensen to take me to town and pick these up for you. Um… is the… this one,” Jared finally pointed, “a school book.”

Mac blushed, not saying anything.

Jared just gave her a look. “What’s up?” he asked.

“With what?”

“With you? You have been angry since you found out Megan was coming. Why?” Jared asked.

“Because you love her moreyou want to live with heryou won’t loveme anymoreI’m not special,” Mackenzie spoke in a verbal rush. It took him a moment to decipher what she’d said.

“I have always loved her, I always will, she’s my sister,” Jared said watching Mac as her head fell. “But I love you like a sister too.”

Mackenzie’s head came up and she looked him in the eyes. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Good and thanks.” She kind of sounded embarrassed.

Jared knew she was talking about more than the books he was going to replace. He nodded and gave her one last hug. “I’ve got homework. When Jensen comes in, I’ll talk to him about taking me to town.”

Forty five minutes later, Jared was done with most of his homework, the math saved for last because he enjoyed it so much. Megan came in with her head down and Jared’s heart hurt for her.

“I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have…”

Jensen coughed from the doorway. Megan straightened up, looking him in the eye. “Jared, I’m sorry for what I said. I was wrong.”

Jared held his arms out for the hug that Megan was asking for, she flowed into it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I was angry. I’m going to talk to Mackenzie, I want to fix this. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Jared said and looked at Jensen over the top of Megan’s head. ‘Thank you,’ he mouthed to him but Jensen just waved him off. “You go talk to Mac, I’m going to see if Jensen can take me into town. I’ve got some books to replace for my little sister.”

Megan hugged him again and then left to go and find Mackenzie.

Later Jared had Jensen pushed up against the side of the truck, they had just got back from town and Jared wanted to tell Jensen something. “Thank you,” he whispered and leaned in to kiss Jensen.

“For what?” Jensen’s breath flowed warm and sweet over Jared’s lips.

“Protecting me,” Jared said. “Helping with Megan.”

“I wish I could do more about school,” Jensen said.

“A couple more months and it won’t matter what those jerks think. I made it this far, I can keep going.”

Jensen ran a hand through his hair. “But you shouldn’t have to…”

“No one should have to, but I do. Just kiss me already,” Jared said with a small smile.

Leaning in, Jensen’s lips touched his and he welcomed it. Jared’s tongue was licking at Jensen’s lips when it seemed that he was going to try and keep it toned down. He felt a warm feeling of accomplishment when Jensen opened his mouth and their tongues touched and danced against each other. Jensen was the one who broke the kiss off when Jared pushed up against him, his hard on plain under his jeans.

“You probably shouldn’t go in there with that,” Jensen said rubbing his hand over the bulge in Jared’s pants.

“Really?” Jared meant to sound sarcastic but the word came out breathy and hopeful.

“Yeah,” Jensen said unbuttoning the top button of Jared’s jeans, slipping his hand inside Jared’s underwear. Jared pushed against Jensen bringing his mouth close, letting his tongue dart out and taste. Jensen squeezed his cock Jared moaned before Jensen captured his lips, tongue sliding, biting and sucking. Fuck, Jared thought as his hips snapped forward into Jensen’s tight grip.

Then Jensen was on his knees, with Jared’s cock out and it was sliding down his throat. “Uh Jen,” Jared stuttered out between breaths. “I’m gonna,” he said.

Jensen came off of him and looked up at with his beautiful eyes. “I know, I want you to.” Then he sucked Jared’s cock back into his mouth.

It was moments before he felt his balls tighten and it felt like he was going to burn up before he could come. “Oh god,” Jared said as he felt come start to shoot out of his cock. Jensen swallowed it all and then giving Jared’s softening dick a kiss he slid it back into his pants.

“Jenny,” Donna called from the house.

“Yeah, Mom?” Jensen hollered back, getting to his feet. Jared was very grateful for the truck that was blocking her view of them.

“You and Jared feed the horses tonight,” she said.

“We’ll get right on that,” Jensen said, licking his lips and Jared watched the pink tip come out and sweep across Jensen’s top lip. “We’re never getting anywhere with you staring at me like that.”

Jared blushed and looked away.

“Come on,” Jensen said and bumped Jared’s shoulder. Jared appreciated the view of Jensen’s backside as they walked to the barn to get the tractor and hay. Feeding went smoothly with Jared cutting the bales open and then kicking the whole thing off the back. Jared always needed a shower after feeding because he got bits of hay inside his clothes and it made him itch. Getting back to the barn Jensen parked the tractor and Jared slipped off the trailer and shut the barn doors. There was a little light from an open loft door where the moonlight shown in.

Jensen stood just inside the square of light looking at him. No, looking at **him**. Jared’s breath caught in his throat as he stepped into the light. Jensen was there slowly unbuttoning Jared’s shirt. Jared shivered as the cool night air hit his skin. He shivered again when Jensen’s hands traced slowly over his arms and chest.

“Jen,” Jared gasped. It was actually more a needy noise and less of a name by the time Jared was finished. Jensen stepped closer and kissed Jared, his hands still roaming across Jared’s skin. Jared reached down and moved his hand to the strip of skin between the waistband of Jensen’s jeans and his shirt. Fumbling with the buttons on the jeans until Jensen reached down and undid them. Still kissing, Jared slid his hand into Jensen’s underwear, wrapping his long fingers around Jensen’s cock.

Jensen’s hand slid over his shoulder to his back and Jared flinched, suddenly remembering why he never took his shirt off in front of anyone. His whole attitude had changed and Jensen picked up immediately that something was wrong. “Too much?” Jensen asked. Jared was frozen his hand down Jensen’s pants but his brain was miles away.

“Jared? Dude, are you okay?”

Jared tried to pull himself together and figure a way out of the situation. His brain was frantically searching for something as Jensen stepped back. “It’s okay. You don’t have to do this.”

Oh god, Jensen thought it was about the hand job. He could let him, Jared could step back into the darkness put his shirt on and go in the house, leaving Jensen to think that he had pushed too hard or something. Or, he could just turn around and let Jensen see how utterly fucked up he truly was. Looking into Jensen’s face, full of concern, Jared made his choice.

He turned slowly. “Look.”

“Jared, what?” Jensen sounded confused.

“Look,” Jared said again.

Jared knew when Jensen actually saw what he was talking about. There was a small gasp and then Jared felt Jensen’s warm hand touch his skin. He flinched.

“Sorry.” Jensen pulled his hand back. “Does it hurt?”

“No.” Jared looked over his shoulder at Jensen. “You just surprised me. I wouldn’t think anyone would want to touch me.”

“What the hell happened?” Jensen traced his fingers down the long puckered scars on his back.

“Those ones. They were a knife, I pissed off one of my foster dads and he let me know it.” Jared felt Jensen’s fingers dip into one of the burn scars on his back. “Cigarette,” Jared said. “All the ones like that.” Jared could feel Jensen move closer, his breath hot on Jared’s back.

“Now you know,” Jared said after waiting for Jensen to say something, to do something.

“I know what?” Jared shivered as Jensen’s breath flowed across the nape of his neck.

“How weak I am. I couldn’t stop them. Not even once,” Jared said, his tone flat.

Jensen spread his hands out on Jared’s back, Jared gasped. It had been a long, long time since anyone had touched his back other than to cause him pain. The scar tissue seemed to be extra sensitive. Jensen ran his hands up to Jared’s shoulders and slowly turned him around. Pulling Jared close, Jensen let his hands rub up and down Jared’s back as he talked to him.

“You are not weak. You are the strongest person I know. I don’t know that I could have gone through what you did and still be okay.”

Jared didn’t say anything but he picked at the bandages on one of his arms. “I’m not okay,” he said.

“Well, you a whole hell of a lot closer to okay that I would have been. You are strong and beautiful.”. Jensen kissed him, long and hard. “Someday you’ll believe me.”

Jared gave him a small smile as he stepped back from Jensen, leaning down he picked up his shirt. His heart felt lighter because now Jensen knew and he still didn’t think that Jared was faulty. Maybe he was okay, maybe he was going to be okay.

Megan and Mackenzie made some sort of peace, Jared never did know what exactly happened but within a couple of days they were sitting on the couch giggling whenever he and Jensen walked through the living room. Jared never figured out what was so damn funny. Before she left, Megan got Jeff’s address and phone number from Donna because Jared had gotten rid of them after Jeff had kicked him out. Telling Jared that she was going to have words with him and that everything was going to be fine.

Jared just shook his head. Jeff wasn’t suddenly going to be okay with him being gay. Megan had hit him and then gave him a hug. “I love you,” she whispered into his chest.

“I love you too, Meggie,” he said with a fond smile on his face.

“Jared Tristan Padalecki, what did I say about calling me that?”

“That I could call you it when no one was around,” Jared said and looked around like he didn’t see Donna and Alan talking with Megan’s adoptive parents down at the end of the walk, or Jensen who was standing not five feet from them trying to ignore what was going on, failing and a smile broke out on his face that Jared was hard pressed not to return. “Nope we’re clear.”

“Be good and I will see you soon,” Megan told him smiling. Jared smiled and ruffled her hair which made her grumpy and trying to mess his up. Jared just stood up tall and Megan couldn’t reach his. Jensen snuck up behind him and messed his hair up for her.

“Thanks, Jenny,” Megan said having picked up Jensen’s nickname from Mackenzie.

“No fair, double teaming me,” Jared said trying to fix his hair.

“Any time short stuff,” Jensen said to Megan. “Come back soon.”

“I will, maybe for some of summer break?” She asked as they walked to where the Connellys waited.

Jared felt his smile falter. He didn’t know what was going to happen once he graduated, but he wasn’t going to make Megan worry. He looked down at her smile firmly back in place. “That would be great,” he said.

Megan looked at him, her eyes narrowed. She seemed to be debating something and then she must have made up her mind because she smiled like he had just given her a really great present. “Bye Jared, Jensen.”

“Bye Megan,” Jensen said.

“Bye,” Jared said. After saying good bye to the Connellys Jared and Jensen stood watching long after the dust had settled from the car leaving. Jared was trying very hard to ignore the fact that he had just lied to his baby sister. It was for the best. This way she wouldn’t worry about where he was going to be after he graduated, because he didn’t know.

Jensen as usual sensed a change in Jared. “What is it?”

How the hell did he do that, standing behind him? Jared really wanted to know. “Nothing, well, nothing important anyway.”

Jensen’s hand was warm against his back. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Jared breathed the word out as Jensen moved closer his breath against Jared’s neck. Looking around he saw that everyone else had gone back to the house while he had been preoccupied. Jared leaned back against Jensen whose arms came up around his shoulders. Now that he had regular food he was growing again, he had a feeling that Jensen wouldn’t be taller than him for long.

They stood like that as the air cooled around them in the growing dusk.

“Jenny, Jared,” Donna called from the house.

Jared stepped out of Jensen’s embrace and turned to look at him. He wanted to kiss him and he could tell Jensen wanted him too, the way he was staring at Jared’s lips but Jared could almost feel Donna’s gaze on them from the porch. “We should go in,” Jared finally said, then he licked his lips.

Jensen closed his eyes and gave a soft groan.

Jared leaned in. “I could take care of that later for you,” he said as he let his hand brush the front of Jensen’s jeans.

Inhaling sharply, Jensen looked at Jared with a look that set his fingers tingling. “I am failing at keeping this…”

Jared was going to ask what he meant but Alan called this time and Jensen closed his eyes. Taking a deep breath, Jensen took a step back from Jared. “Coming Dad,” he called. He looked at Jared. “Later,” it was a promise and Jared knew it.

Managing to hold it together through dinner, Jared excused himself as soon as he could. Tonight wasn’t his night to do the dishes, but it was Jensen’s and Jared was pretty sure that he would have broken down and touched Jensen in a way he didn’t want to be touched in front of his family. So Jared was sitting on his bed when Jensen knocked on his door.

“Yeah?”

“Can I come in?” Jensen asked.

“Yeah,” Jared said.

Jensen walked in and shut the door behind him. “Mom gave me another lecture on keeping space between us. You know I don’t want to push you, or rush you,” Jensen said looking so earnest that Jared was hard pressed not to go to him. Instead he folded his hands in his lap.

“Did you think you did?” Jared asked.

“Well I did practically jump you,” he admitted.

Jared got up off the bed and walked over to Jensen. “I knew I could say no, and trust you to stop. But I didn’t want to.”

“You didn’t want to?” Jensen’s eyes were obscenely wide.

“No,” Jared said wanting to throttle Jensen for being so dense. “I didn’t want to say no. I wanted to, I want to do more with you.”

“More?” Jensen’s smile gave him away.

“Bastard,” Jared told him. “No fair teasing me about this.”

“Come on,” Jensen said. “If we can’t joke about it, we probably shouldn’t be doing it.”

“We’re not doing it,” Jared said.

“You know what I mean.”

Jared smiled into Jensen’s face and ran a hand up the side of his face. Jensen’s eyes closed and Jared brushed his thumb over Jensen’s freckled cheek. Pulling him closer, Jared kissed Jensen. First with a soft brush of the lips, breath mingling. Then again, a little harder, mouths a little more open. Jensen’s tongue was touching Jared’s lips and he opened them and welcomed Jensen in. Tongues twirling, tasting, it was hot and wet and fucking perfect. Jared felt the scrape of Jensen’s stubble across his chin.

Breaking the kiss Jensen rested his forehead against Jared’s, eyes closed. They stood there, arms around each other, Jared smelling Jensen, his aftershave, his deodorant, and something underneath it all that was just Jensen. Jared opened his eyes, pulling back his eyes searching Jensen’s, seeking reassurance that he didn’t want any more than Jared was willing to give.

Leaning in with a smile Jared ran his hand over Jensen’s denim-covered cock. “I think I owe you something.”

“Really?”

Jared popped one button and then another, slowly opening Jensen’s jeans. He slid a hand inside the fly, tracing the outline of Jensen’s hard-on through his underwear. Jensen leaned back against the door out of breath and Jared smiled a little at how powerful he felt that he could do this to Jensen. He dragged his fingers over the skin above the waistband of Jensen’s underwear.

Groaning, Jensen put his hands flat against the door. Jared pushed his hand inside Jensen’s underwear, fingers wrapping around his cock. Shoving Jensen’s jeans down, Jared hooked his thumbs in the waistband of Jensen’s briefs and pulled them to the floor. Jared was kneeling in front of Jensen, his cock in his hand and Jared was debating on whether or not to lick it.

“Jared, you don’t hav…unggn.”

Jared licked up his shaft. It was good and so different from all of his other experiences. Jensen was keeping his hands flat against the wall, he wasn’t grabbing Jared. It was as if he knew of all the bad memories that Jared had with hands on his head. Well they had talked a couple of times but Jared hadn’t though he gave that much away.

Jensen tasted good, smelled good, god it made Jared want to just eat him up. His precome was like ambrosia, Jared thought as he sucked Jensen into his mouth. He could feel his blood pooling in his cock as he got hard again at Jensen’s reactions. They had to be quiet and Jensen was whispering, begging him for more, to keep doing it. Jared took a breath and succeeded in thinking about pleasuring Jensen and not where he had learned to do this. He relaxed his throat and sucked Jensen all the way down to the root. Coming off and leaving Jensen’s cock all spit shiny he licked at the balls that dangled below Jensen’s hard cock. Sucking first one then the other into his mouth he licked them rolling them with his tongue and then letting them fall out of his mouth.

Looking up Jared could tell that Jensen was biting his lip to keep quiet. Jared shoved his hand down his pants and fisted his own cock as he sucked on Jensen’s again. “Oh god,” Jensen whispered and that was about the only warning he got before Jensen flooded his mouth with come. Jared swallowed every last drop, sucking on Jensen until he was soft and whimpering.

Jensen pulled Jared up to him. Pushing Jared’s hand away from his cock, Jensen’s own replaced it as he kissed Jared. His tongue sought out his own flavor in Jared’s mouth while he pushed his hand down Jared’s pants. He ran his hand up and down Jared’s cock. Jared could feel the calluses on Jensen’s hands rough against him. Jensen did this twist and let his hand slide over the top of Jared’s dick. It wasn’t but moments and Jared was coming all over Jensen’s hand making his own whimpering noises.

“Shhh,” Jensen whispered into his mouth. He pulled his hand out of Jared’s pants and held it up, licking at Jared’s come that covered it. Jared’s legs felt weak, he leaned against Jensen and he kissed Jensen as he pulled the come covered fingers out of his mouth. Long slow kisses until finally Jared stepped back.

Both of them pulled their pants up, Jared’s had fallen at some point. Jensen went and washed his hand off before coming back and giving Jared another kiss. Sitting on his bed, Jared watched Jensen as he tucked his shirt in. “I’ll pick you up from school tomorrow, unless…” Jensen seemed to consider something. “Is it causing you more trouble at school?” Obviously remembering what the kids had yelled the last time he’d picked Jared up.

“Please?” Jared asked. Jensen was the only bright spot he had during school days. If he got to see him earlier then it was worth the crap at school. Beside it wasn’t like they gave him a break even when Jensen didn’t pick him up.

“Problems still?” Jensen sounded angry. Jared still didn’t deal well with anger, he flinched. “I’ll kill those bastards,” Jensen growled.

“No, you won’t.”

“Fine, but I want to.” Jared didn’t know how Jensen could sound like he was pouting and not look it. “Are you talking to Cindy? About the shit at school too?”

Jared looked up a bit surprised. He and Cindy talked about a lot of things but the bullshit at school hadn’t come up yet. He had just figured it was something he’d have to put up with, it never occurred to him that Cindy would listen to him bitch. He shook his head.

“You’ve got an appointment on Thursday, right?”

Jared nodded kind of moved that Jensen kept track of his appointments.

“Promise me you’ll talk to her. Maybe she’s got some great game plan to deal with this kind of shit.”

Jared nodded and Jensen came over and knelt between his knees, looking up into his face. “Promise me,” Jensen said and it was then that Jared knew just how concerned Jensen was about this.

“Promise,” he said quietly and Jensen grinned at him.

“Good. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Jared flopped back on the bed with a groan. “More pretending.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said.

“When all I want to do is kiss you and other things.”

“The other things are fun, but I promised Mom.” Which Jared found kind of ironic that they had messed around quite a bit since Donna’s rule against them getting together. But maybe she meant intercourse? But with the way Jensen had come in here tonight, he thought she might have meant more than just that.

“I know,” Jared said throwing his arm over his face trying to hide the blush he felt starting.

“Soon you’ll graduate and then we’ll have a few more options,” Jensen said.

Oh great, Jensen had to bring up graduation, when he’d be on his own. Jared didn’t kid himself that his high school grades were good enough to get him into college. Maybe some trade school but he would have to find a way to pay for it himself because his case worker had made it clear, expect no help from the state after he turned eighteen. Which was actually after he graduated but he wasn’t clear if he was going to stay with the Ackles until then or just until he graduated. Jared gave Jensen a nod not trusting his voice.

“Tomorrow.” Jensen opened his door and let himself out.

Jared felt the tears gathering in his eyes. He didn’t want to give up everything he had here but he knew he’d have to. Maybe it would just be better to break it off with Jensen now, not let him get hurt more by Jared. It hurt his chest to think about it but maybe it was for the best.

A month later and with only a month to go until the end of school, Jared was no closer to breaking it off with Jensen than he was knowing what he was doing after graduation. One of the girls in his math class had been accepted into Harvard. He somehow squashed his envy and when he congratulated her and meant it. She had managed to get a full ride for at least four years.

After she was done telling him about it she had asked him what his plans were. He shrugged, not having any clue. She had hugged him and told him he’d figure it out. He’d wanted to bang his head against a wall.

Jensen had been right and Cindy had some ideas to help him cope with the crap he couldn’t change at school. Things were still pretty bad but he was dealing with it better. The stress of not knowing what was going to happen to him after graduation was starting to tell on him. Donna had noticed he was eating less. She had made him an appointment with the doctor and it was Dr. Morgan, who gave him a physical. Jared realized he had grown about five inches since he had moved in with the Ackles, and gained about twenty pounds. He looked and felt better than he ever had before.

Which made it funny that he was here telling Dr. Morgan about his churning stomach. He was asked some very pointed questions. It came out that Jared was upset because he didn’t know what was going to happen to him. Dr. Morgan offered to talk to Donna but Jared said he would talk to Cindy about it. The problem with that ended up being that Cindy had to take some time off for a family emergency and when she came back Jared decided not to bother her with it.

A week before graduation, Jared got a letter from the state of Texas, telling him that he had a meeting with his case worker in three days. His stomach in knots, he showed the letter to Donna and Alan. They nodded and Donna made a note on the calendar they didn’t say anything to him. Whatever small hope he might have had that he would be welcomed after graduation died right there.

Jensen came to his room that night and Jared told him that he couldn’t do it anymore. Jensen argued, questioning him, Jared wouldn’t say anything except that it would never work and he knew it. Jensen begged for something and when Jared wouldn’t give him what he called a decent reason, he got mad. Finally he left and Jared went into the bathroom and puked. He hated hurting Jensen, lying to him.

Jared was a bit surprised when all of the Ackles, even Josh showed up at his graduation. It was both the best and worst day in his life. Josh had taken him aside when they had gotten home, asking if he and Jen had fought. Jared had told Josh to ask Jensen and headed to his room.

Later after it was all over, Jared figured out that everyone had made assumptions; like the school, his worker, that someone had talked with him about what he wanted to do after graduation. But at the time, he just knew he felt alone and kind of abandoned. The only thing he remembered about his talk with his worker was that his lengthy tour of the Texas foster care system would end the moment he was handed his diploma.

Jared had nodded.

Now he was thinking about what he could pack and how the hell he was going to get into Dallas. Finally figuring out he had no choice but to walk, he wrote a note to the Ackles, thanking them and mentioning that he was leaving before he could become a burden. He dropped the note on his bed, getting his bag, he quietly left.

Jared walked and walked. He took sips from his water bottle knowing he’d need to ration it. He’d nearly collapsed underneath the first overpass he made it to. Dallas was huge. He didn’t quite sleep because there were other people around him, homeless people. He had taken a pocket knife and he sat leaning against a concrete support his hand wrapped around the knife. It took him another day to get downtown. He was never asked by anyone how old he was.

He tried sleeping on Park Street but he was run off by the regulars who called him a punk. He quickly discovered the paradox of being homeless in Dallas. There was food, given out at shelters and churches but it was all downtown. If you were homeless you couldn’t stay downtown, not easily. The cops harassed you if you sat down, shopkeepers ran you off, hell if you were dirty you couldn’t even go into the library. After his third day walking in the heat, he stank. He kept to the shade and tried to sit and gather energy before he was forced to move again.

Eventually he headed out of downtown to somewhere where he could try to rest. Half a day in the sun and he was well on his way to heat stroke again, so he sipped his water and stepped under the relatively cool underpass. This one was populated, hell they all were but this group wasn’t overtly hostile. He found a spot, tucked up under some beams and despite his best efforts he fell asleep.

Waking up, he kicked the person trying to take his bag in the face.

“Whoa man, take it easy. You got to have some drugs, a pretty boy like you,” the man mumbled.

“Got nothin’, back off,” Jared said.

He went searching for a better place but he returned to his spot up under the beams. It gave him protection on three sides and was his best hope for keeping his stuff. He stayed for a few days only going out to piss, crap, and get more water. Finally he headed back downtown to get something to eat.

It took him nearly a day this time. He had blisters where his pack was rubbing against his sweaty body. He was too late for dinner so he spent the night wandering, stumbling from bench to bench. Managing to get some breakfast he shoved rolls into his bag. He snagged a couple more water bottles that they were handing out. Heading back to his sleeping space he nearly passed out and had to sit down on some steps. Someone kicked him, told him to move it. Jared didn’t even bother turning around he just got to his feet and adjusted his pack.

Managing to keep a sort of routine he’d walk downtown once a week, grabbing as much food as they would give him and head back to his spot. He stayed too long at the bridge after a couple of weeks, so he was weak with hunger and not thinking straight when he pocketed some apples. Three days before his birthday he was caught shoplifting some fucking apples. It didn’t matter how he tried to justify it in his head, he knew it was wrong. The cops had asked who his parents were, so he told them. Let them dig up their bones and see where it would get them.

It was Jeff who walked into the police station. Jared crossed his arms and ignored his brother. “Jared,” Jeff said after it was clear Jared wasn’t going to talk. “You can come home with me.”

Jared lifted his head and glared at his brother. “I’d rather go to jail,” he said. They had given him a shower and some kind of Juvie prison outfit, it was better here than out there.

“Well, that’s the problem isn’t it? You turn eighteen pretty soon but since you are not yet eighteen they can’t just release you, they have to release you to someone. That someone would be me.” Jeff didn’t smirk or say anything degrading to him.

“Yeah? I’m still gay.”

“Listen, I’m sorry. I still have a problem with it, and maybe always will, but Megan bitched me out and I realized she was right and I was wrong. It’s your life,” Jeff actually sounded abashed.

“Why are you here?”

“The police called me. What happened to that foster family that you loved so much?”

Jared shook his head, suddenly choked up, he hadn’t let himself think about the Ackles since he left.

“Well, come on,” Jeff said to him. He’d already picked up Jared’s belongings. Jared hoped he’d put it in the trunk because he didn’t want to be smelling his dirty clothes all the way to Jeff’s house.

Getting up, Jared followed Jeff out of the station. They drove the few hours back to Jeff’s place and Jared felt his stomach drop at the thought of staying here with Jeff. “They’ll give you community service or something, don’t worry about court,” Jeff said putting a hand on Jared’s shoulder. He flinched and Jeff dropped his hand.

“Look, I’m sorry it all went to shit last time.” Jeff seemed to think that Jared’s flinching had to do with him resenting Jeff or something. Jared shrugged.

“’t’s okay,” he said.

Jared went in and shut himself in the bedroom he had used the last time trying desperately to forget about the girl who had tried to get him to have sex with her there. He didn’t come out until Jeff left for work the next day. He did his laundry and sat in front of the TV until he heard Jeff come home then he went back into his room. Since he’s managed to avoid Jeff until his birthday, Jared was kind of surprised when Jeff remembered.

“Happy Birthday,” Jeff said from his door.

“Fuck you,” Jared mumbled into his arm.

“Come on birthday boy, we are going to see Megan.”

That had Jared up and getting dressed while shooting questions at Jeff. Jeff smiled at him. “It was her idea, runt.”

“Runt?” Jared stood up and was nearly eye to eye with Jeff.

Jeff gave him a half smile. “It might have been more appropriate when you were little. Come on, let’s pick up breakfast on the way.”

Jared really hadn’t been eating much and he had the feeling Jeff knew it.

Megan was really happy to see both of them. The first chance she got she dragged Jared off to talk to him alone. “What the hell happened?”

“What?”

“The Ackles, they called here after you disappeared. The police wouldn’t let them file a missing persons report and they hoped that because I was your sister, I could. Turns out I’m too young. They were frantic Jared--Jensen, oh god Jensen. Did you call him?” Megan asked

Jared shook his head. “I left for a reason Megan.”

“Yeah they said something about a note and how apparently everyone fucked up. They wanted you to stay. It was after you were gone they figured out no one had talked to you about it. Everyone just assumed you knew they wanted you to stay. Fuck!”

Jared almost said something to Megan about her language but she pulled out a cell phone and dialed a number.

“Yeah Donna? This is Megan. He’s here. He’s okay. You want to talk to him?”

Jared’s eyes widened when he figured out who Megan was calling. The Ackles. Megan was holding the phone out to him and he realized she must have been for a while. His hand was shaking as he took the phone from his sister.

“’ello.”

“Jared?” Donna didn’t sound mad.

“Yeah,” he said softly.

She gave a sigh of relief. “Are you okay?”

“’t’s okay, I’m sorry you worried. I left you a note.”

“Note!” She yelled and he flinched, holding the phone away from his ear. “Jared can you come home?”

 _Home_ he was lost in thought for a moment.

“Jared,” Donna said again.

“I got in trouble. Jeff got me out of jail.”

“Jail!”

Jared was just going to keep the phone away from his ear.

“Jeff thinks it’ll just be community service,” Jared tried to make her feel better.

“Is Jeff there?” Donna surprised him.

“Yeah,” Jared said wondering what the hell was going on.

“Can I talk to him?”

“Sure,” Jared said looking at Megan in confusion. ‘Jeff’ he mouthed at her and she left to get their brother. Jeff came in looking out of place in Megan’s room. “Here,” he told Donna before handing the phone to Jeff.

“Hello?” Jeff said. “Hmm, I don’t think so. No we don’t I didn’t think we’d need…okay sure.” He dug in his wallet for something coming up with a card. It was the juvie number he gave her. “Yeah we’ll wait.”

Jeff covered the mouthpiece and told Jared, “She thinks you should have a lawyer, she’s calling the court to see if it’s okay for you to go back there. If you want to.”

Did he? Deciding he could always leave later if he needed to, he nodded at Jeff as Donna came back on the phone.

“It’s okay? Good, he wants to come back. Yeah I think that would be great,” Jeff said and hung up.

“Jensen’s on his way here to get you. It’ll save me a drive and I figure you ought to get back to your family.” Jeff’s smile was sad.

“But,” Jared looked at Megan and Jeff, “you’re my family.”

“Yeah, you idiot but they’re your family, too. They love you.” Megan hit him. “I want to come and visit later so you need to be there.” Megan sounded like a two year old pouting and Jared laughed.

“I’m sorry about last time. I…I don’t want to lose you again,” Jeff said.

“We’re cool,” Jared told him. Jeff pulled him into a hug and Megan was there wrapping her arms around them both.

“Boys,” she said and Jared laughed. There might have been tears in his eyes but he wasn’t going to admit it.

They all went out and sat with Megan and the Connellys. When Robert and Brandy realized that it was Jared’s birthday the decided to have an impromptu party. Brandy had some cheesecake and ice cream. Megan served after singing Happy Birthday to him and they were finishing up when Jared heard Jensen’s truck outside.

Megan ran out and practically dragged Jensen in. Jared’s stomach started churning as soon as he saw Jensen, remembering what he had said to him last. Jensen smiled though, that wonderful Ackles smile. Jared couldn’t stop himself from smiling back. “I missed you,” Jensen said.

Jared had missed Jensen like he had been missing a limb. Something important that was just gone and he had ached. “Me too.”

“Good,” Megan said. “Now that’s out of the way. Jensen would you like some cheesecake or ice cream?”

Jensen shook his head. “If we plan on getting home before it gets too late, we should be leaving. Thank you,” Jensen told both Megan and Jeff.

“You’re welcome,” Jeff said.

“Any time, Jenny,” Megan said.

“Jenny?” Jeff asked.

“Don’t ask,” Jared said and gave his brother a hug. He knew that Jeff may not like that he was gay but he was really trying to be accepting and Jared knew it. “Love you.”

“Love you too, Runt,” Jeff said brushing his fingers through the top of Jared’s hair.

“Runt, runt, runt, runt,” Megan said and Jared looked at Jeff.

“No problem Meggie,” Jeff said and Megan squealed.

Giving Jared a hug, Megan got a promise that she could come and visit.

Jared got to say goodbye to Robert and Brandy before Jensen nearly dragged him out of the house. They had been driving for an hour before Jensen said anything.

“So.”

“So,” Jared said back waiting for Jensen to just say what he had to say.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Jared said automatically.

“Why did you leave?” Jared could almost hear the unspoken ‘me’ on the end of Jensen’s sentence.

“I said in my note. I knew that your parents wouldn’t be getting anymore help from the state.” Jensen made a noise and Jared continued. “I didn’t want to be a burden, a leach, I…”

“We don’t think of you like that. You’re family.”

“Not really,” Jared said.

“Well don’t tell Mom that because you should have seen how she ripped the sheriff a new one when he wouldn’t put out an APB on you. Dad had to stop her from hurting him, she was so angry when they said you weren’t really family. It’s kinda funny now,” Jensen said with a smile. “She drove around Dallas, put up fliers, anything she could, because… you are family.”

“Are they angry with me? Are you?” Jared finally asked the questions that were weighing on his mind.

“They’re happy that you’re alive. We didn’t even know that.”

“Sorry, I thought it was better just to go.”

Jensen rapped him on the forehead with his knuckles. “You know for a smart person, you really are dumb sometimes. Josh came down with Chris and they cruised the strip talking to hookers to see if anyone had seen you. Chris thought he saw you once but by the time he made it to where you’d been you were gone.”

Jared remembered hearing his name called once but he’d been trying to not get into a fight with some hookers and their pimp. They’d said he was trespassing and he was trying to explain that he wasn’t selling but they knew desperation when they saw it and didn’t believe him. He had turned to run and someone had called out his name but he didn’t wait around to find out who.

“We talked to Cindy and Doctor Morgan,” Jensen spoke into Jared’s silence. “They figured out what had happened when the doctor asked her if you had spoken to her about what you were going to do after graduation. Everyone thought that someone else spoke to you about what you wanted to do. Mom really feels like she failed you. Why didn’t you ever say anything? Is this why you said you didn’t want to be with me?”

“I didn’t want to hurt you, or be a bother,” Jared said quietly.

“You are never a bother,” Jensen said vehemently.

“Sorry,” Jared said.

“I don’t want you do be sorry. I want you to understand that we love you. That I…” Jensen shut up and Jared could see his jaw clenching and unclenching.

“Why?”

“Why what?” Jensen asked him back.

“Why do they love me?” Jared finally said after a few minutes of silence.

“I don’t know. Maybe because you are kind and thoughtful. Maybe because you always give more than you take. Maybe they love you just because you’re you.”

Jared looked at Jensen in disbelief.

“How can you think so little of yourself?” Jensen finally asked.

Maybe because it had been beaten into him just how worthless he was. He could never get things right, he fucked everything up. Jared just shrugged.

“Didn’t you think that I would be worried?” Jensen asked after a bit.

“I…guess I hoped you would be too angry to care,” Jared finally said.

Jensen pulled the truck over to the side of the road and turned it off. Jared glanced up at him worried that he was angry now. Jensen undid his seatbelt and moved over closer to Jared. Brining his hand up he touched Jared’s face turning him until Jared was looking at him. Slowly he moved in and Jared knew he was going to kiss him. Lips touched, eyelids fluttered shut and Jared opened his mouth to let Jensen in. They kissed, tongues pressing against each other. Jensen’s thumb stroked his cheek while his fingers wrapped around Jared’s head. Finally they broke apart and Jensen pressed his forehead against Jared’s.

“I never stopped caring.”

Jared nodded slightly trying to hold back his tears. He didn’t deserve any of this, the Ackles, Jensen. Jensen brushed his thumb and caught one of the tears that had escaped his eyes, bringing it to his mouth. Taking a stuttering breath in Jared tried to pull himself back together but Jensen didn’t let him. Jensen pulled Jared to him wrapping his arms around him in a hug.

Something inside Jared just broke and ten minutes later he was still sobbing against Jensen’s shoulder.

“Shh, baby,” Jensen said to him. “It’ll be okay. I promise. Shhh,” he whispered into Jared’s hair.

Finally pulling himself somewhat together Jared sat up, and sniffed. Jensen handed him a handkerchief out of the glove box. Jared blew his nose and wiped his face off, apologizing when he saw the mess he’d made of Jensen’s shirt.

“I clean, and I think you needed it,” Jensen said after giving him a look.

“Dude, did you just call me baby?” Jared asked.

Jensen smiled. “Maybe.”

“You did.”

“It’s a term of endearment or so I’ve been told.” Jensen buckled back in, pulling back out on the road.

Jared smiled. He really hadn’t minded it. “Well that’s okay then, only as that though.”

“What?”

“A term of endearment. So, I guess that means you find me endearing?”

Jensen looked over at him and then back out on the road. “Occasionally,” he said.

Jared smiled and pronounced himself occasionally endearing. Jensen had responded with how he was also irritating.

“Occasionally endearing, also irritating, anything else?” Jared asked jokingly.

“Annoying?” Jensen suggested.

“Are you asking or telling?”

“Shut up.”

Jared laughed. It felt good. He didn’t know just how much he missed Jensen until he saw him again and now Jared was soaking up his presence. It seemed like moments before they were turning down the drive to the ranch.

He was welcomed with hugs, tears, and smiles when they made it in the house. Josh was there with Chris, it was kind of overwhelming. Jensen seemed to know how he was feeling and dragged him off to the barn to feed the horses again.

Over the next couple of weeks things settled down. Alan and Donna had hired a lawyer and he got the charges against Jared dropped because of some technicality or another. Suddenly everyone was asking him what he wanted to do. The problem was he didn’t know. He wasn’t particularly good at anything.

One summer morning he sat in the kitchen with Donna, she was drinking coffee and he was eating breakfast.

“What if I don’t know what I want to do?”

“Well,” Donna said after taking a sip of her coffee, “you could do what I did.”

“What did you do?” Jared asked, kind of unbelieving that Donna Ackles hadn’t always known exactly what she wanted.

“I took classes at the community college. I found I had a passion for accounting, and I was good at it. I met Alan when he came in to get his taxes done one year. I don’t do it much anymore mostly just recordkeeping for the ranch. We have someone else do our taxes. Maybe you will find something that you love.”

Jared thought of Jensen and blushed. Donna gave him a push against his shoulder.

“I didn’t mean that,” she said laughing.

Smiling Jared nodded. “Sounds good.”

The next day Jared had taken placement tests and was enrolled at Cedar Valley College for the following fall. Donna was organized and fast. Talking with the financial aid people, Jared found out he was eligible for grants that would pay his tuition and for most of his supplies. Donna insisted that he was going to live with them, Jared agreed, more because he knew now that Donna and everyone would worry if he wasn’t, than anything about money.

They talked about work study programs that were available to low income students. Because he had been in the foster care system he qualified. As they were driving home, having accomplished a lot, Jared wondered if he would have been so worried about leaving the Ackles if he had known how easy it was to get into college.

Everyone wanted to celebrate, Jared got to pick a restaurant and they all went out to eat. Jared had no clue where to go so he asked Jensen what he thought. “Primo Brothers Pizza,” Mackenzie chimed in.

Sounded good to Jared so that’s where they went. The rest of summer passed quickly, Megan came and stayed for a couple of weeks. The peace she had made with Mackenzie seemed to be holding with them only having one fight about who was cuter on some dumb soap opera. Jared had taken Megan for a walk and told her about Rose’s Dream and what she had done for him. He wanted her to understand just how important the Ackles and this ranch had become to him. Talking to her had helped him clarify some things inside his own head about what he wanted.

Starting school was difficult for Jared, it was only made worse because Jensen was in the intern portion of his schooling so he worked long and odd hours and Jared rarely saw him. He was taking a few survey classes and found that he really liked auto mechanics. He talked to Alan and Donna who urged him to keep trying more things. He really liked his Drama class and his teacher told him he was good. However, if Jared was going to be a part of the Ackles family he wanted to contribute to the household not just go chasing after a dream that might be only that.

With that in mind he decided to go into the mechanics program. Changing the focus of his schooling was easy this early on. First quarter finished and he had mostly A’s school was challenging and fun. The only thing he would have changed was getting to see Jensen more. Christmas came and Josh and Chris came down again. Jared was please that Donna and Alan trusted Jensen and him enough to let them room together again. The plan was for Jared to go visit Jeff and Megan before the new year.

It was actually Christmas eve before Jared got to sit down in his room with Jensen and talk. Telling him about school and his classes, Jared then asked Jensen how he was doing.

Jensen gave him a small smile. “I’m lonely,” he admitted.

Jared reached out and took Jensen’s hand. “Me too.” Leaning closer, Jared initiated a kiss that was just supposed to stay small. Before he knew it he was nearly on Jensen’s lap, snuggling up and licking his way inside Jensen’s mouth.

“God, I missed this,” Jensen said and Jared just smiled and went back to kissing him.

Sometime later, they broke apart, panting. It was times like this when Jared wanted to do more, to do everything with Jensen but Jensen stayed in control only letting things go so far before pulling back. Jared moved squarely onto Jensen’s lap, legs straddling him. Feeling Jensen’s hard on against his had him rubbing against Jensen like a cat in heat.

Jared whimpered when Jensen reached down between them and rubbed his cock through his pants. Pushing Jensen back on the bed, Jared stretched out between Jensen’s legs. There was nothing stopping them from taking this thing that they had further now that Jared had graduated. Both of them moaned quietly as Jared thrust against Jensen.

“Alan!?” they heard Donna yell from the living room. Both of them were up and heading for the door barely pausing to adjust their clothing. Donna very rarely yelled and even Mac was coming out of her room to see what was up.

Donna was on the floor in the living room Alan clutched in her arms. Jensen was pulling out his phone and calling 911, Mackenzie and Jared rushed to where Donna was.

“What happened?” Josh asked as he came into the room, Chris on his heels.

“We were just hanging decorations and he collapsed.”

Jensen was asking them the questions that the operator was asking him. Was Alan breathing? Yes, thank heavens. Heart rate? Elevated but steady, Jared told him. Pupils? Jared lifted one of Alan’s eyelids and then the other. One reacted to light, the other one was huge and not responding. Josh hissed as Jared said it.

It seemed like forever and also like moments before Jared could hear the ambulance coming. Donna insisted on going with Alan. Josh reassured her they would meet her at the hospital and after waiting a few moments for Mackenzie to get dressed they left. Jared riding with Jensen and Mackenzie, Josh, and Chris going in Josh’s car, they made it to the hospital quickly.

Jared could hardly say two words on the way to the hospital. Jensen was worse, not speaking at all. But when Jared reached out to squeeze Jensen’s hand, Jensen grabbed it and held on tight. Shifting in his seat Jared moved a little closer trying to give Jensen comfort.

Getting to the hospital the whole family was taken aside and Jared automatically feared the worst. The first thing the doctor did was reassure them that Alan was alive. He had had a stroke, and they were keeping him sedated until after they had run some tests. Good news was that he wasn’t on a ventilator and his heart was good but they were doing an MRI on him to see where the damage was.

Stroke. Jared sat in shock. Alan wasn’t old, didn’t old people have strokes? Someone, maybe even him must have said something because the doctor was explaining about blood clots and embolisms and how it is sometimes just bad luck. Josh was asking about a prognosis but the doctor said it was too early to tell, they would just have to wait and see.

Donna was crying, Josh, Mackenzie, and Jensen gathered around her. Jared found himself standing by Chris watching the whole thing.

“Family is really important to them,” Chris said quietly.

Jared nodded.

“I mean,” Chris continued, “it’s important to me too but my family is nothing like them.”

Thinking of all the problems he’d had with Jeff, Jared nodded again. “Mine either.”

Donna looked up and saw them standing apart. “Jared, Chris,” she said and he could hear the tears in her voice, “come here.” Jared was amazed that even in her grief she thought of them as they were seamlessly included into the group.

He put his hand in the middle of Jensen’s back and his head on his shoulder. A nurse walked in and told them that Alan was awake. They spoke with the doctor and he said it was a good sign but he urged caution, things might still get worse before they got better.

“Can we see him?” Donna asked.

He looked around at everyone. “One or two at a time, and you can’t stay long,” he said.

Donna nodded and stood up. She came back in with tears in her eyes and Josh stood up, wrapping his arms around her. For a few brief moments, Donna cried like her heart was breaking and then she pulled herself up and wiped her face.

“Is he?” Jared finally found the strength to voice the thought that had come to him when he saw her tears.

“No. No Jared, no. He’s alive,” she said. “It’s just…I’ve never…It’s just so overwhelming,” she finally said.

Jared nodded even though he didn’t have a clue what she was talking about, relieved to hear that Alan was alive.

Everyone saw Alan at least for a couple of minutes; he was very out of it. Finally the nurse told them they’d have to leave so he could sleep. They stayed at the hospital, Christmas forgotten. Leaning against Jensen, Jared tried to give him what he needed. And right now, what Jensen apparently needed was someone to listen.

That’s what Jared did. Listened to Jensen talk about his dad and how much he feared that he had let him down. Things that Jared would have said were trivial were looming huge in Jensen’s head. From being gay to not getting good enough grades in school and everything in between. Jared found out that Alan had sat down with Jensen and talked to him about responsibility, towards his family, his friends and his lovers. While Jensen never said exactly what Alan said, Jared could guess.

Donna wanted all of them to go home but no one wanted to leave. They had Christmas dinner in the hospital cafeteria; Jared hardly tasted any of it. Later Jared was sitting beside Alan staring out the window.

“Jared,” Alan said and Jared turned to the man, a smile on his face.

“I should go get…” Jared stared to stand.

“No, wait. I want to tell you something first.”

Alan was so firm that Jared sat back down.

“When I fell, I thought I was dying. I thought, ‘Wow this is what dying feels like.’”

Jared just looked at Alan waiting for him to go on.

“It was very bizarre. It was like I was there for everything and yet I wasn’t. You helped to save me son, thank you.” Alan seemed to run out of steam and his eyes drifted shut.

Jared knew he should call a nurse or get Alan’s doctor but he needed a moment. _Son._ It wasn’t the first time that Alan had called him that but this was the first time Jared believed he meant it.

Jared and Jensen spent a lot of time just holding each other. Megan came to the hospital for a little while, she spent most of her time holding Mac who was taking it very hard. Hugs were given and arms slung across shoulders or backs almost constantly, everyone needed it.

Donna pushed Jared and Jensen to go home. They had some neighbors who were checking on things and feeding the animals but they all would feel better if one of them were there. Jensen gave in when his dad complained that they were all hovering over him. Telling Jared later that if dad was feeling good enough to complain that he was really getting better, Jensen drove them home.

Jared stood and looked out at the horses after they had fed them. Jensen was at his elbow and Jared realized that they were alone, no one was going to come looking for them, or start hollering at them from the house. Turning he looked at Jensen who smirked at him, of course he was a step ahead. Jared stretched up, his coat and shirt riding up and exposing his stomach to the cold air. Jensen took an audible breath and Jared felt his lips twitch in a smile that he quickly got rid of.

“I’m gonna shower,” Jared said. Turning he started to walk away. “If you want to, you could join me.”

Jensen made a noise that had Jared stopping and looking at him. “What?” Jensen asked.

“Join me?” Jared asked and watched Jensen’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed.

There was nothing to stop them from doing as they pleased and both of them knew it. Jared waited and finally turned away again. Stepping forward Jensen reached out and took his hand. “Yeah,” he told Jared and Jared let himself smile this time.

Stepping into the shower he moved so Jensen could join him. They had never seen each other naked and Jared couldn’t stop his hand from brushing down Jensen’s chest. He was so…Jared couldn’t come up with a good description…yummy, he decided. Jensen leaned in and licked Jared’s shoulder, Jared responded. He could feel his cock filling with blood as Jensen tasted him, a lick here, and a bite there. Jared leaned against the wall and brushed his dripping hair out of his face.

Jensen pulled back and Jared reached for the soap. He ran the bar across Jensen’s chest with one hand, the other followed sliding across his skin. Jared worshiped Jensen, washing and touching every part of him. He avoided the erection jutting out from him and washed around it, washing Jensen’s balls and then down his thighs. Sliding his hands behind Jensen’s legs Jared ran his hands up the back of Jensen’s thighs. He washed Jensen’s ass, his fingers slid down his crack and Jensen moaned as Jared’s fingers touched his hole. Jared stood and washed Jensen’s back his hand following the defined muscles that Jensen had from working on the ranch.

They kissed and Jensen stood under the showerhead letting the water wash over the both of them. Jensen turned and rinsed off as Jared leaned against the wall underneath the showerhead. Reaching out Jared ran his hand down Jensen’s back, Jensen leaned into his touch and Jared pressed up against him from behind. Jensen moaned as Jared’s hard on pressed against his ass. Kissing on Jensen’s neck, Jared tasted a little of the soap but mostly he tasted Jensen.

Jensen pushed him back slightly, taking the soap from Jared’s hand he copied Jared. Washing him thoroughly Jensen pushed him underneath the water and Jared lifted his face to the spray and nearly choked when Jensen knelt and put Jared’s cock in his mouth. He coughed and spluttered, feeling Jensen laugh around his cock in his mouth. Looking into Jensen’s face as he sucked on Jared’s dick, Jared was losing control. Urging Jensen up, Jared captured his mouth in a deep kiss. Jared reached out and shut the water off, pushing the curtain back.

Stepping out, Jensen took Jared’s hand and grabbed a towel with his other hand. He dried Jared off, touching him and rubbing. Jared had spent most of his life untouched, at least in a kind way, and he didn’t know how much he longed for it until Jensen gave it to him. Jensen toweled himself quickly off and then led Jared into his bedroom.

Pushing Jared down on his bed, Jensen smiled and touched Jared, running his hands across his shoulders and up to his chin. Jared tilted his head back and Jensen moved between his legs. He didn’t have that far to lean down. Jared opened under him, letting Jensen in, tongues touched and lips parted and came back together. Finding his hand wrapped around Jensen’s face, Jared held him still while he kissed him.

“I want…I want,” Jared’s voice was breathy and stuttering.

Jensen kissed him again. “Yeah?”

“Please,” Jared begged and reaching down he wrapped his hand around Jensen’s hard cock. Jensen cocked his head at Jared.

“Are you sure? You could…” Jensen blushed, “do me.”

Letting go of Jensen’s cock Jared wrapped his arms around him and pulled Jensen onto the bed and onto him both of them giving a moan as their hard dicks slid against each other. “Maybe next time,” Jared whispered. “I wanna feel you inside me,” he told the other man.

Jensen grinned at Jared and then kissed down his neck, sliding his body lower he kissed and licked down to Jared’s stomach. Placing his hands on Jared’s hips Jensen pushed off of him and stared at Jared’s hard on. “Fuck, Jay,” Jensen breathed out as he looked appreciatively at Jared. His cock was already leaking pre come but Jensen’s appreciation just made more flow. Reaching out Jensen pulled Jared’s cock up and slipped his lips over the head, tongue pressing on the underside and then moving around it like a lollypop.

Jared tried to control his hips and his hands. Clutching at the bedding with his hands so he wouldn’t pull Jensen’s short hair out by the roots, Jared moaned.

Jensen came off of him, Jared’s cock slapping back down on his stomach. “Got to get something. Right back,” Jensen told him and stood up. Jared watched him walk out of the room wondering what the hell he’d done wrong now. Then Jensen was back with a bottle in his hand.

“Lube,” he said shaking the bottle, “and a condom.” Holding up the small package he looked at Jared. “What?”

Jared shook his head. He didn’t want to tell Jensen that his first thought when he got up was that somehow Jared had fucked everything up again. Giving Jensen a smile he scooted back up onto the bed. Jensen looked closely at Jared, letting his eyes trail down Jared’s body. Moving closer Jensen asked him again if he was sure.

In response Jared took the lube from Jensen’s hand and after squirting some in his left hand he trailed his fingers through it getting them wet. Lifting his leg Jared found his hole and slowly pushed a finger in. Jensen seemed to be mesmerized, he stood beside the bed, watching as Jared pushed one then two and finally three fingers inside himself.

“Fuck,” he exhaled the word and Jared smiled.

“That is the plan,” Jared teased him. Jensen’s hands were shaking so badly he almost couldn’t open the condom wrapper; finally giving up, he just ripped it with his teeth. Jared took it out of his hand and slowly rolled it over Jensen’s hard cock. This is what he wanted more than anything, Jensen inside him.

Jared moved so that Jensen could get on the bed. Lifting his legs up he maneuvered Jensen until he was pressing at Jared’s hole.

“Are you sure?” Jensen asked again and Jared let his head fall back on the bed in frustration.

“Yes, yes yesssss,” he started out snapping and then hissed in pleasure as Jensen pushed inside him. Moving slow and steady until he was as far inside Jared as he could get, Jensen leaned down and kissed Jared. Clenching his ass around Jensen’s cock, Jared urged Jensen to move.

Pulling out a little bit, Jensen fucked into Jared. Laying back, Jared looked up at Jensen. His lips were swollen and Jared just wanted to lick them again. Jared reached between them his hand finding his cock. Jensen started talking. “Oh yeah. Touch yourself Jared, wrap those fingers around your cock and jack off. I want you to come. I want you to paint me with your come and then lick it off of me.”

“Nnnf,” Jared made a sound just before he did as Jensen asked, coming all over the both of them. Jensen thrust into Jared hard and harder as his ass clenched with his orgasm. It came to a stuttering end with Jensen laying on Jared his cock pumping come into him.

Jensen rolled off of Jared and they both lay there, catching their breath. Jensen tossed the used condom in the direction of the garbage. Jared leaned up, resting his head on his hand he swirled his other hand through the come on Jensen’s stomach. Jensen’s cock twitched as Jared stuck his fingers into his mouth.

Pulling Jared over to him, Jensen kissed him, his tongue chasing Jared’s flavor. They parted and came back together, kissing slow. One of them groaned as Jensen’s phone rang but he answered it. Jared lay beside him, his hand resting on Jensen’s stomach and his head on his chest as he talked on the phone.

“Really?” Jensen asked and Jared heard the tinny affirmative on the other end of the phone. “Great, thanks a lot.” Jensen hung up and Jared lifted his head to look at him.

“Work,” Jensen said. “They are letting me take a leave of absence and it won’t affect anything.”

“How long?”

“A few weeks. Hopefully by then we will have a better idea about Dad,” Jensen spoke quietly. Jared nodded. A few weeks with Jensen sounded like heaven right now.

Alan slowly got better until the doctor said he could come home. Jared was back in college more determined than ever to succeed. Jensen moved Jared into his room and nobody blinked. Jared got the feeling that Donna had spoke to Jensen but whatever he said she just gave him a rare smile.

It was hard on all of them, Josh hired a lady to come and give Donna a break twice a week. Alan was better but he still needed a lot of care. He couldn’t walk and while he could feed himself someone had to make it and clean up afterwards. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, Alan got better. He struggled to regain control of his arm and leg on his left side, never had Jared seen anyone work so hard. Alan never gave up and neither did anyone else.

Jared could finally believe that this family was truly his. Donna, Mac, Josh, and Alan all treated him like one of the family with expectations of him that he found himself wanting to fulfill. Jensen…Jensen was something else and Jared sometimes found himself waiting for the other shoe to drop. But Jensen was exactly who he seemed: a great friend, a good brother, a thoughtful lover, a fantastic son.

Sometimes Jared thought about his mom and dad, wondering if they would be proud of who he had become. But those were his bad days. On his good days he was sure that wherever they were, they were proud of all of them and he was happy.

Fin


End file.
